Is Self-Compassion Really Just Self-Indulgence?
Many of us have been taught to believe that self-compassion is for the lazy and that being hard on ourselves leads to success. But is self-criticism really a better motivator than self-compassion? Is the stick more effective than the carrot? Not according to research, which suggests that showing ourselves compassion after a disappointment actually helps us do better next time.
Kristen Neff, Ph.D., author of Self-Compassion: The Proven Power of Being Kind to Yourself (2015), argues that showing ourselves sympathy in the wake of a perceived failure isn’t just about feeling better in the moment: It actually helps us to reach our goals. When we allow ourselves the space to be human and imperfect, we cultivate greater resilience and a willingness to try again. In short, a positive, hopeful mindset is one of the most powerful motivators.
Why Self-Criticism Leaves Us Feeling Stuck
According to Neff, research on motivation indicates that self-critics generally meet their goals in spite of their internal criticism, not because of it. Those moments where criticism does work are usually based in fear and anxiety. She clarifies that, when we work from a critical mindset, our goal becomes avoiding judgment from others — and the potential for ensuing shame. However, anxiety and fear typically decrease concentration and performance. This actually makes it harder to reach our goals than if we’d approached them with a more positive outlook.
Neff argues that self-compassion is a more effective motivator “because its driving force is love, not fear.” Self-love allows us to act from a place of personal power and acceptance, rather than worrying about what others might think.
She reminds us of the example of the Buddha. The Buddha connected self-compassion with “right effort” and said that taking good care of ourselves is our highest responsibility. Doing that involves hard work and making changes when our current approaches aren’t working. Conversely, “wrong effort” involves a focus on the ego, which is what we are experiencing when we are more interested in praise (or critique) from others. Preoccupation with others’ perceptions is generally a lonely place.
Self-Compassion in Practice
So, self-compassion isn’t actually about indulging ourselves. Self-compassion is taking care of ourselves and doing what works, especially when it’s hard. But how do we practice self-compassion? Neff outlines these three steps in her book.
Show yourself kindness. This often involves slowing down or taking a break. It doesn’t have to be long: Even a few moments can make a difference.
Appreciate that we are all human and in this together. This is my favorite one. We tend to focus on ourselves and fail to appreciate that others are struggling too. Everyone’s circumstances are unique, but few of us find life easy.
Be aware of when you are hurting. Often we are too busy to recognize what we are feeling. Slowing down enough to create moments of silence can help us see when we need to show ourselves compassion.
Being compassionate toward yourself doesn’t have to be complicated; don’t worry about doing it perfectly. It’s the effort and intention that count. So, the next time you hear your inner critic lamenting that you should have done something better, faster, or with more aplomb, slow down and offer yourself the gift of a deep breath and some self-compassion.
