The Power of Forgiveness
It can often feel easy to forgive the mistakes of others, but many of us struggle with forgiving ourselves. Of course, perhaps we know someone who forgives themselves far too easily. In that case, it may feel like they just let themselves off the hook, reinforcing the idea that we should hold ourselves to a higher standard. Yet, to judge ourselves too harshly is to misunderstand self-forgiveness and self-compassion.
Having self-compassion doesn’t mean avoiding responsibility for our actions. In an article for Psychology Today, Peg O’Connor, PhD argues that avoiding accountability “is not genuine self-forgiveness because there’s little self-reflection about how [our] actions have harmed others or [ourselves]. Nor is there much reflection about how these experiences and [our] responses to them might make [us] better people.” In fact, in these cases, “There’s no effort to repair the damage. These people seem more concerned with removing negative emotions by wiping the slate clean.”
She describes how healthy self-forgiveness can, alternatively, help us reconnect with our moral compass; this happens when we are willing to make amends and recommit to our values. However, those who need to forgive themselves the most often become stuck in the process. She highlights three factors that get in the way of truly granting ourselves forgiveness.
Beliefs that Limit Self-Forgiveness
Exceptionalism: The belief that we have to be perfect and hold ourselves to a higher standard than others.
Expansionism: The belief that we should have more control over outside factors than is actually possible. We take on responsibilities for problems that aren’t actually ours.
Confirmation Bias. The belief that we are always wrong or always fail. We tend to focus on what doesn’t work out rather than what we do that does work. Because we are always to blame, we feel we don’t deserve forgiveness.
In her book Self-Compassion: Stop Beating Yourself Up and Leave Insecurity Behind, Kristin Neff, PhD, describes self-compassion as an act of releasing ourselves from these kinds of negative thinking. She describes how mindfulness helps us observe, rather than believe, the negative thoughts we have about ourselves. We can become aware of these thoughts while not necessarily buying into them. Her research has shown that those who can do this are less likely to suffer from anxiety and depression.
By appreciating that we are only human, we understand that we don’t have to be exceptional. We can allow for life to be challenging and to include moments of suffering (one of Dr. Neff’s go to phrases). We can also work to observe and not get stuck in unhelpful or negative thoughts — such as the thought that we always fail or don’t deserve forgiveness.
